Absolutely no one asked for this, but welcome to it. I am hoping to make Chris Berman proud! Check it out…
Vipers vs Renegades
The Vipers slithered down to Arlington where pro standouts Martavis Kobe Bryant and Vic Michael Beasly were looking to dunk on the Renegades early and often. Jeff Bezos Badet was the wealthiest player in Week 1 receiving 2 packages from QB Luis Perez in the back of the endzone to put the Vipers up 14-3.
At halftime, Bob The Builder Stoops asked his Renegade’s offense “Can we fix this?” and Sal from Impractical Jokers Canella replied “Yes we can!” as he laughed and punished the Vipers defense later on with 7 catches.
But the real story was the Renegade’s defense. Linebacker Aaron Rodgers Adeoye got the Renegades out of their darkness retreat by finally getting to the quarterback while Donald Trump Payne stayed right and helped bring down Perez too.
Finally the defense told their offense “anything you can do I can do better” as defensive tackle, Tom-Annie Laulile, intercepted the ball center-stage and danced his way to scoring 6 points. Finally, to put things seemingly out of reach, De’Vante Ball-Hogs-by reenacted his friend’s performance and put the Renegades up 22-14 as he found the back of the endzone with their second pick-6.
In one last push, Luiz Pat Perez and Stuart Cinque Sweeting drove the ball far down field reaching the green, but couldn’t take advantage of their birdie opportunity failing to convert the two point conversion.
Renegades 22. Vipers 20.
Guardians vs Roughnecks
On Saturday night, the Guardians headed down to Houston where they hoped the Roughnecks would play nice.
The Guardians got the affair started as Agent Cody Banks Latimer destroyed his threat on the outside and completed his mission finding the endzone. With mission successful, it was up to the defense to take care of business.
The Roughnecks found their groove, however, early in the second quarter when Jontre Kirk-Lin-Sanity found his 15 minutes of fame and Max Borg-i followed the collective’s lead and rushed for a 27 yard touchdown.
Roughnecks QB, Brandon Silvers Lining Playbook, continued his battle with bipolar disorder and switched back and forth from throwing touchdowns to throwing interceptions with two of each. However, Guardians QB, Paxton Lynch, played his best tribute to his ex-NFL team, the Denver Broncos, by having the offense completely unable to score after the first drive.
Finally, Guardian’s head coach Terrell Buckley realized in the second half they were approaching D-Day as he replaced their QB with Quentin Normandy, but all was too late. The Roughnecks head coach was able to Wade the charge and successfully Phillip-ed the script back on the Guardians.
Let the band play RoughNECK!
Roughnecks 33. Guardians 12.
Battlehawks vs Brahmas
Down to the AlamoDome where Jack Johnson Coan turned the Battlehawks defense upside down hooking up with Fa-Dolly Parton Brown singing in the back of the endzone.
In a stunning turn of events, a Romo was playing football on a February afternoon down in Texas: John Parker Romo that is, as he positioned the Brahmas in a primetime spot after his 3rd made field goal.
The St. Louis Battle-hawked up a loogie through the first 58 minutes and 30 seconds before AJ McCar-him finally found that dawg. In a crazy ending, Hakeem Olajuwon Butler was The Dream that they could cut it to three, and after the first 3-point conversion in the 2023 season, the Battlehawks were alive. Then, the first 4th and 15 succession had head coach, Anthony Bourdain Becht, licking his lips.
The job wasn’t finished, however, but as Austin “The Pros Proehl” reeled in his first TD catch of the year, the Battlehawks completed the most improbable comeback since the Apollo 11 mission.
Battlehawks 18. Brahmas 15. (SOME SPREAD!)
Sea Dragons vs Defenders
Over to Audi Field where the DC Defenders hoped to keep the Seattle Sea Dragons at bay. The Sea Dragons took flight early with Benjamin Button DiNucci seeming to go back in time to find ex-NFL star Josh Gordon to start off the scoring with an impressive first drive.
DC QB, Jordan Belfort Ta’Amu wasn’t giving himself up easily, however, and worked his team into scoring position before the half. The Mississippi product didn’t miss-issippi his opportunity with a rushing TD putting the Sea Dragons within 1 point before heading into half.
Coming out of half, Seattle’s head coach Jim Carrey Haslett thought he was in the Truman Show as they once again found themselves up 9 with a comfortable lead in the third quarter. But Defender’s CB, Michael Jackson Joseph, starstruck DiNucci, hiding himself as the man in the mirror, and intercepting Seattle’s QB twice to make this game a thriller. The smooth criminal himself led to 2 TDs for the Defenders as they told the Sea Dragons to beat it!
With only time for one more possession, the Sea Dragons found themselves first and goal with 30 seconds left and a chance to win. But, in an exciting finish, DC head coach Reggie Miller Barlow and the Defender’s defense had DiNucci choke the game away with a fumble on the goal line.
Defenders 22. Sea Dragons 18.